Thursday, 30 December 2010

I've got a feeling...

... a feeling I can't hide, oh no!
-But let's skip the Beatles songs. I think I have mentioned before that I don't have a feeling - no gut instinct convincing me that this is a boy / girl.
Well, in a way I still don't have a feeling; or if I do I don't trust it. However, I have noticed that whenever I think of the baby I think of it as "she", as in "She's kicking a lot today", or "In X number of days we'll get to see her again", "Teddy's little sister". As soon as I think it it sort of catches me by surprise and I go "What? Who said it was a girl?" But I still keep doing it.
So as we have our big u/s tomorrow I guess I'll find out then if my unconscious mind was right! I am rather surprised that I think it's a girl, especially as I'm slightly hoping more for a boy. It's just this whole DH not wanting a third child business - I feel that if this one was a boy, at least I could have a shot at convincing him at some point (in the distant future...).
But oh well. In the end, it doesn't really matter, right? Above all I hope that this little one is healthy, growing ok and no other problems show up.
I'll also have my first appointment with the consultant afterwards so I'm quite excited about that too; though I've already been warned that most of my time will be spent in the waiting room!

Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Another year over, and a new one just about to begin...

Happy Christmas anda happy New Year, if anyone's reading!
2010 has been a funny year. There have been rough times, especially Molly's and my FIL's deaths. M and I had a minor crisis when it came to whether or not we'd have another child. We also had some financial difficulties - or rather, we had to work out what to do to avoid getting into financial difficulties. We tried, and failed, to buy a bigger house; and it's looking rather bleak on the housing market still.
On the plus side, we overcame our rough patch. We tried for another baby and got pregnant (although it did take longer than I would have liked). We are managing our money perfectly now and keep on saving month after month, and building up a nice little nest egg. The house that we live in is perfectly adequate for now and probably for another year still; and the forecast is that house prices will fall again next year.
Teddy has grown up so much. I mean, of course he has - he's a toddler and growing (and learning) like crazy. It's weird to think sometimes how much he can do now although I still consider him to be my baby; and how soon we'll have a "real" baby again and will have to start from scratch again. Yes, that does slightly scare me - not too keen on those first few weeks!
M has been fatastic this year. He helped me so much when Molly died; he finally came around regarding another baby; and he worked his socks off to provide for us all. I am truly thankful to have such a wonderful husband, although I do moan sometimes (a lot of the time?) that he doesn't do enough around the house. But you can't have everything, right? :)
So, I'm really looking forward to 2011. It can only get better! Teddy will become a big brother, and hopefully we'll find our dream house, and the rest is pretty much in place already! I feel blessed to have such a good life and let's face it, nothing really to complain about.
I hope 2011 will be a good year for everyone I know, in real life and online.

Friday, 3 December 2010

Sick Baby

As I'd feared in my last post, Teddy has come down with a big, fat cold, just like me. Only his seems to be getting worse. He was coughing so much last night it woke him up, and even after I'd been in to settle him he was breathing so hard it sounded like Darth Vader in his last stages. Even though it was 3am, I was wide awake as I kept listening to him breathing, and started to panic when I couldn't hear him - all of a sudden I remembered that SIDS is always connected to the baby having breathing difficulties, e.g. by having a cold... and yes, I know that he's old enough now really and that he would wake up if he really couldn't breathe anymore. But that still doesn't help when you worry your head off in the middle of the night.
So the next time he woke up I took him into our bed. M wasn't happy about this at all, but tough! I won't have my sick baby alone in his own bed when he's feeling so poorly. Of course, having Teddy in the bed meant that now I could physically not sleep anymore - first he shuffled into position as close to me as possible, so my head was half off the pillow and I was breathing in his hair. Then he started kicking his way around; and finally ended up snuggled up on top of the duvet, across my legs. Which meant at least I could breathe again, but I was fairly stuck and couldn't move my legs...
So it came as a bit of a surprise that we all overslept this morning! I'm currently working Friday mornings as well (just until the end of December) so today was one of those days where we really HAVE to get up at 6.30 to get ready for work and to get Teddy to nursery. Well, M woke up at 7.30 and we just rushed through the motions. I was only 10 minutes late at work, but  now I feel all sleepy-headed and not quite there - I do need my time to get ready in the mornings!
I'll take Teddy to see the Dr this afternoon, just to rule out a chest infection. Generally it's all a bit easier now when Teddy is ill, as he can communicate his needs so much better. For example, last night after his bath he pointed to the Calpol bottle (baby paracetamol) and said, "Teddy med-zen!". I wasn't going to give him any, as he seemed ok to me, but I still asked him if he needed to take his medicine. Teddy's reply was: "Yes! Teddy med-zen, good boy! Okay?" So he happily took his half spoon of Calpol without fussing (it used to cause him to vomit, which I think was always more a psychological thing than something physical).
Oh well, at least if we have it now, we'll be alright for Christmas! Let's just hope that M won't catch it off us now...

Saturday, 27 November 2010


One of the negative "side-effects" of being pregnant is that, if you fall ill, you can take only so much in terms of medication. As someone who is particularly prone to throat infections and tonsilitis, this is not a good thing!
Sure enough, as soon as the weather started to turn cold, I've got myself another throat infection (after boasting the week before that I hadn't had one in months). My head is pounding, my whole body is aching, I can barely swallow and all I'm allowed to take are a few lousy paracetamol a day. Oh well. Things you do for baby, eh?
I'm a bit worried Teddy might be coming down with something too, as he's been very whiney all of yesterday and today and doesn't seem to be his usual bouncy self. But then you never know if it's teeth (16 down, 4 more to go) or something else.
In other news, I've got my 16 week midwife appointment next week - time really seems to fly now after creeping at snail's pace in the 1T!. And after that, only 4 weeks to go until our big scan...
I'm so excited about that. So far, I haven't bought anything for baby yet (because, let's face it, we don't really NEED to buy anything) but I can't wait to buy a tiny outfit once we know what it is. Even if it is another boy, he'll get one little outfit of his own :-)
I don't have a "feeling" at all. I know that plenty of women get these really strong feelings and just "know" if they're having a girl or a boy (or in Adrienne's case, they know even before they conceive!). I feel completely blank in that respect. I had that one blip - it was at our NT scan, and baby was wriggling wildly - and I wanted to say to M, "See how she's waving her hands?". But I don't know if that was because M is so set that this baby will be a girl?

Friday, 12 November 2010

The Bean

The bean is just adorable. And lovely, and cute. I absolutely love the bean with all my heart. He's just my teeny tiny bean!
-Of course, I'm talking about Teddy here. Ever since he first was created, he was "the bean" - even beforehand, I would bug M by saying "I want a bean!". He looked just like a little bean when we first saw him at an ultrasound, at 7 weeks. So the name stayed, although we also frequently use the word just to describe babies or children in general ("A family with four beans", "Oh, look at those cute bean clothes"). If a stranger ever looked at my shopping list, they would probably be thrown by the expression "bean yoghurt" which frequently appears on it.
So yes, when M and I are talking about "The Bean" these days we mean Teddy. Of course he has got lots of other related names too, like the Monkey Bean or the Beanitor (I believe that one is a merge between bean and terminator, a nod to the amount of destruction he can create in a short space of time).
So this makes it a bit weird when we're talking about the "new" bean! Normally, we refer to the new baby as "the second bean" or "bean #2" which somehow doesn't sound right and also makes it sound like it's something less (am I making sense here?). I guess Teddy is just so much "our baby" still that we find it hard to imagine that there will be another, "real" baby here soon. I know that this is probably a silly fear but sometimes I do think, could I ever love another baby as much as I love Teddy? It almost seems impossible. I also feel guilty for taking "me" away from him when the new baby is here; for depriving him of our full attention and love.
I know it's silly really. I have spoken to lots of other mums who all said that the love doesn't halve; it doubles, so you have the same amount as before, for each child. And I know Teddy will benefit from having a sibling to play with and grow up with. But sometimes I can't help thinking of how I won't ever be able to do this or that with him again, or share those quiet moments. Maybe I am just scared of the change that will happen in my life?

Thursday, 21 October 2010

So much going on

Wow, so much has happened in the last few weeks. And it hasn't all been great...
First, I started spotting. I had this with my last pregnancy so I wasn't all that worried, but I still went to the Dr just to get an ultrasound. The u/s showed that baby was fine and had a strong heartbeat, but they also found a small haematoma which would have caused the bleeding. Because of this, I'm still classed "threatened miscarriage" and they gave me all the leaflets for this. That actually threw me a bit -when I had the early scan with Teddy, they just said everything looked fine and that was that. Now I still worry a bit that something might happen. On the other hand though, baby measured big for dates (almost a week ahead) which I guess is a good thing - it shows that baby is developing nicely and not lagging behind. It was very weird to see baby on the ultrasound. It made me realise that actually there is a baby in there. That I will (hopefully) have another baby soon. It still feels a bit odd and unreal!
Later that day, things got even worse. My father-in-law had been admitted to hospital a week previously due to heart complaints and fluid retention; and they couldn't diagnose what was going on. That day, he was transferred to another hospital and given the diagnosis of Amyloidosis; and eight hours to live. M got into his car and drove straight to the hospital when his mum phoned him with these news; but when he arrived his dad had already passed away. We were all beyond shocked, it happened so quickly and unexpectedly. M is absolutely distraught, who can blame him, and I'm very upset too. I loved my FIL - he was a great man, very warm and funny and we just got along really well. He was a great Grandad for Teddy; they shared their enthusiasm for tractors and would often go out for a tractor ride when we were visiting. Teddy adored him; when we got there he would shout "Dahn-dad!" and run straight past his grandmother to see him.
In a way I'm happy that Teddy doesn't really understand this yet, as it saves him the pain; but I'm also sad that he will be growing up without his Grandad and probably won't have many memories of him.
we cancelled our planned trip to see my family and stayed the weekend with my mother-in-law. It was very difficult, for obvious reasons, but also very nice that so many people came along and all the family came to help and support each other.
Because we're now not away this week, I will be able to take part in our "girls' night out" on Saturday which I'm really looking forward to. It will be a change from the sadness that surrounds us so much at the moment; and we only ever go out about 2 or 3 times a year. I think I might also "tell" the girls on Saturday - it seems a good opportunity - although part of me is still paranoid about telling too soon and I might go for my 12 week scan in two weeks and find that something has happened. I guess I 'll have to see how I feel that day!

Thursday, 7 October 2010


So just when I'd decided I'd ring my Doctors surgery tomorrow as I hadn't heard from a midwife, I get a phone call. It's my new midwife! Unfortunately though she's going on holiday from tomorrow - and the week after, I'll be away on holiday - and the week after that, I can't do the Thursday as that's my only work day. So eventually we agreed on having the appointment on 30 October. I'll be nearly 11 weeks by then!
While I know that nothing really happens in the early weeks of the pregnancy anyway, I'm still a bit disappointed to have to wait so long. I was really looking forward to having this appointment soon, if only to break up the wait for the NT scan; and to finally get my official maternity notes! At the moment I still sometimes feel like a fake, like I'm not really pregnant because I haven't got any paperwork saying I am. Silly, I know.
Oh well, at least now I've got a date and I know that I haven't been forgotten about. And it's only three weeks away, really. And hopefully I'll get my ultrasound appointment in the post soon, too, then I've really got something to look forward to!

Thursday, 30 September 2010

Dear Morning Sickness,

I'd forgotten how much of a cursed blessing you are. I love you, because feeling so crummy makes me think that baby must be doing alright. And I hate you, because I feel sick as a dog most of the time and cannot bear to even be near my favourite foods at the moment.
You arrived right on time, just one day before the 6 weeks mark. First you disguised yourself as a little queasiness, but soon you lifted the cloak and revealed yourself in all your full glory. You also brought your friend, Fatigue, along which I'm sure was done only with the best intentions. However dealing with both of you can be a bit much sometimes.
So glad as I was to see you arrive, I will also be counting the days to your departure. Last time you were kind enough to leave on time, right around twelve weeks, and I hope you will do the same this time. The Christmas marketing is already in full rage and it would be nice to be able to enjoy a few Christmas treats without my stomach churning at the sight of them!

Thursday, 23 September 2010


The good thing about finding out you're pregnant is... that you're already give or take 4 weeks when you find out! You've already put one month behind you.
But then the waiting game begins.
I can't say I'm any more relaxed this time than I was with Teddy - I'm still a bundle of nerves waiting to get out of the first trimester. And it seems to stretch sooo long. I won't even see a midwife for another two weeks or so; and the first scan will be the NT and dating scan at 12 weeks. I find it very hard to just trust that everything's ok and baby is developing as it should (maybe that's why I keep taking pregnancy tests?). Much as I hated the nausea and morning sickness I experienced during my last pregnancy, I also found it very reassuring as this was a tangible proof that I was still pregnant. So in a way I can't wait to feel sick, although in a few weeks time I'll probably wish I'd never said this! At the moment I feel hungry all the time, I'm absolutely ravenous and could eat all day long. I definitely didn't have this last time!
It's starting to sink in a bit more that I'm pregnant, though it still feels slightly unreal without any symptoms. I have told two people IRL; my best oldest friend who lives far away and my best mummy friend. M was furious with me for telling as I'd instructed him not to tell anyone - but oh well! I feel as I'm the one who's more concerned at the moment it's fair enough. Plus, his best mate only told him his wife was pregnant when she was 12 weeks along, so I think it's fair enough if he doesn't tell him now.
We have planned our trip to see my family for mid-late October, so I think we will tell them then, and M's parents when we come back - I will be 9-10 weeks then, which sounds safe enough. I'm hoping that by then I'll have seen my midwife and at least heard the heartbeat on the doppler.
Sometimes when I look at Teddy it makes me sad that I'm pregnant - he is still so much my baby, but I guess that will never change. I feel like I'm taking something away from him, which is stupid as he will gain a sibling. Ans so many people have told me that the love doesn't halve, it just doubles. But it's hard to believe at the moment. He's also in such a Mummy-phase right now - being very clingy and just wanting me, not Daddy, all the time. I'm a bit anxious about what it will be like with a newborn baby and a demanding toddler, especially as the nightmare of the early days is still so vivid in my memory - I really hope it will be easier this time!

Thursday, 16 September 2010

(Good) News

It's been a while... and lots has happened.
My dad really is on the mend now. They've moved him to a regular ward now, he's not connected to any machines anymore and he can now eat, talk and walk again (in moderation). I am beyond relieved. When I was there to see him, he was in a coma and it was the hardest thing I have ever been through, to see him like that. He looked barely human, more like a tranquilised animal, with all those wires and tubes going in and out everywhere and machines beeping and hissing. It was awful and I was so glad to have Teddy with me to help me through it and cheer me up. I can't believe that now, only one and a half week later he is already so much better. The doctors are very optimistic now but have also said that when he was admitted, they didn't think my dad would make it. I am so glad he did and that he's recovering, even though it will take a long while for him to get back to normal.
in other news, my combat plan for this cycle has worked out - I'm pregnant! I can't believe I'm writing this, it still feels weird. I took the first test last Wednesday at 9DPO. It was a very, very, very faint line - so faint that I thought I'd only imagined it. Of course that didn't stop me from POAS again the next day. Again I thought if I can only see it in a certain light against a white backdrop, it doesn't count; so I went off to work in a bad mood. Later when I came home, because I'd been thinking about that maybe-line so much, I fished the test out of the bin and looked again -now I could see the faint line qutie clearly. But then of course the 10 minutes were long up, and it said on the package "do not read after 30 minutes"! But I had hope again.
When I tested on Friday, the faint line came up a lot quicker, and was a lot less faint. I showed it to M, who said "yes but that doesn't mean you're pregnant, does it? I thought it was supposed to be a vivid dark line!" Even though I tried to convince him that any sort of line means a positive, he didn't want to believe it. So on Saturday, when I got a yet stronger second line I also did a digital test - and I could wave the word "pregnant" in M's face!
It still feels strange though. Here I am, having obsessed about TTC and getting pregnant for so long, and now that it's become real it feels --well, unreal. I still can't quite believe it myself. Even though this time, I can "feel" things a lot more, which makes it even stranger. apart from the tender bbs, I can also feel my uterus - it's sort of a buzzing, tingling feel - so that I'm really aware of it all day. It's like a constant, soundless humming that radiates from my womb.
The other thing that took me by surprise is the appearance of The Bump. Seriously I knew that you show a lot sooner second time around, but THIS early? I guess it must be down to bloating (although I don't feel bloated) or something else, but it is definitely there.
Well, tomorrow I'll go and see my Dr to register I'm pregnant. Nothing to get excited about - unlike in the US (from what I've read!), over here they don't take any tests at that visit, not even a pregancy test, as they say the HPTs are just as reliable as theirs. So no bloodwork, no scheduling an early ultrasound, no nothing. Which yes, is a bit disappointing. It's so hard to wait for 12-13 weeks until you get the first scan, especially for people like me who worry about everything that's there and everything that isn't. I will probably be seen by the midwife earlier than that, but then she doesn't do much apart from taking down the medical history.
The one thing I want to do tomorrow though is ask if I could have a different midwife. In this region you get a community midwife who is responsible for a certain area and linked to several doctors' surgeries. Truth be told the midwife for this area is awful - she has no interest in the women she attends to, nor their babies, nor the questions they might ask (at first I thought it was only me, but upon meeting other women after having given birth I realised we all felt that way). So I don't know if anything can be done apart from me switching to a different doctor's surgery, but we'll see.

Thursday, 2 September 2010

Bad News

Remember when I talked about how bad things come in threes, and I didn't want to know what the next thing was going to be?
My dad fell ill. Like, really ill. He was taken to hospital with what everyone thought was a bad stomach bug, and it turned out to be pancreatitis - something I didn't even know could be lethal. Unfortunately it is. Basically it means the pancreas is starting to digest itself and it can also attack other organs. As the cause is unknown (sometimes it can be caused by gall stones, where they can then just remove the gall bladder) there is nothing the doctors can do for my dad apart from keeping him hydrated, giving him antibiotics to prevent other infections, giving him plenty of painkillers (he's now got an epidural) and keeping him monitored. They have talked about putting him in an artificial coma, which scares the hell out of me. He has already got difficulties breathing but doesn't like to wear the oxygen mask.
What scares me even more is that he is already planning his funeral and trying to sort out what to do with his belongings.
It all happened so quickly that I feel it hasn't really registered with me yet. I don't WANT to think about my dad dying. It just can't be. Hearing my stoical, unemotional brother cry on the phone because he thinks my dad's not going to make it just seems unreal.
So now I'm trying to sort out my flights to come up and see him. Part of me doesn't want to. Part of me keeps thinking of stupid excuses why this really is the most inconvenient time to fly up. I think I don't want to see him because then it becomes real. At the moment I can still think of it as this abstract weird thing that happened; but then it will be my dad dying in front of my eyes, plugged into all sorts of machines, barely able to breathe or talk. And I just don't want to face it.
Of course I will do it though and I will get my flights booked tonight. I'm going to have to take Teddy with me as M has got to work - he's just had that week in Paris and even though he worked then, his regular customers will probably need him now after a week of absence here. Teddy's not been on a plane before and it probably won't be much fun for him; all he wants to do is run around and it will be hard to restrain him on the plane and at the airport. But thankfully it's only a short flight. I don't even know if he will be allowed to see my dad - do they allow children in the intensive care unit? I hope that Teddy can see him at least briefly.

This is a nightmare. I have never lost anyone before; not anyone close anyway. I really don't know how to handle this. While I still hope that things might turn around and he'll pull though (he has a fifty-fifty chance) I can't stop thinking that my Daddy might die.

Thursday, 26 August 2010


Ah well, it looks like I can't go a whole week without worrying!
So this is where I am: CD 15 and waiting to O. I had another negative OPK this morning, so I guess the earliest I could O will be Saturday. In my previous cycles, I used to O between day 14 and 16; last cycle it was day 17. Which I guess is all quite acceptable. I just never thought it would be any later than that. The reason why I'm worrying is that M will be away in Paris from Monday onwards, so if I haven't O'd by Sunday this cycle is somewhat wasted.
I don't really want to think about it too much as I fear that the more I stress, the later O will come; but every negative OPK reminds me of this deadline I have to meet - ugh! Double Ugh really, as I shouldn't really be thinking this way (deadlines, needing to "perform" etc). I hate that this all has become so clinical, such a military procedure. Yet I could never go back to "just relaxing and seeing what happens" as that would drive me even more insane. I just really really hope that I won't O too late this cycle. I'm somewhat hoping for Saturday - as this is also my birthday, I thought it would be somewhat symbolic and oddly romantic if I were to conceive that day, know what I mean?
As for means to distract myself, I have been trying positive visualisation (thanks, Ash!) and have also though (but not done yet) of getting my crochet kit out again. I only started to crochet a few years back - I taught myself using an internet tutorial; not that it's too difficult but I was / am really proud of myself as I'm not a very handy person and several attempts to learn how to knit ended unsuccessfully! I really only do amigurumis, but M gave me a few baby crochet books that I haven't really looked at yet so I might try something like a hat for Teddy. For me, crocheting is a very relaxing activity, and really wipes my mind blank which is quite nice every now and again! I don't know why I haven't done it in such a long time.
In other news, as Teddy is now 1 1/2 years old I took him to get weighed again, and he is now an ounce short of 29lbs (he was 25lbs at 12 months), so he has gained 4lbs in half a year and back on the 91st centile! I haven't measured his height in a while but I reckon he is about 86/87cm / 34 inches, which is about 91st centile too. I don't think he'll ever go back up to the 99th centile, but I think that he's now finally growing normally again thanks to his new found love of food, and that's all I wanted.

Sunday, 22 August 2010

Good Things!

So, as promised. I'm trying to focus more on the good things in life now. So, here goes!
-Teddy has been eating well for a few weeks now. I don't yet know if it is just a phase, or if it has finally clicked - touch wood! - but for the first time ever, he is showing interest in food. He even half opens his mouth on the few occasions that I still spoon-feed him. Still not a gaping wide mouth, but it's better than trying to squeeze a spoon through lips that are sealed shut, I can tell you! This week, he has also started asking for food which again he never used to. Maybe it helps that he now has words for food (either "nom nom" or "yum yum"); but he also shows me by leading me into the kitchen and then having me open the fridge, and he takes out what his heart desires (mostly it's blueberries!). He's also taking food off my or M's plate when we eat, again a complete novelty for us! While I know that all these things are perfectly normal and most children probably display them at a year younger already, fo us this is a major breakthrough. It seems Teddy has finally realised that food isn't a bad thing but something you can enjoy! He also only threw up twice this last week (which is a welcome change from the 4-5 times a week he used to puke) which shows me that this mental block he seems to have had is finally starting to crumble.
- We looked at a house yesterday... and we both liked it! It is in a reasonably good area in a village, has a good sized garden and spacious rooms downstairs. The only thing that worried me a bit is that the bedrooms weren't very big. But then I figure it's better to have smaller bedrooms and the rest is ok, rather than going for a bigger house in a not so good area! You can't have everything, right? The decor is also a bit off - an elderly lady lives there so it's very much granny style! But that's easily fixed and I wouldn't mind a few weeks of redecorating. the rest is all in very good condition, the house has obviously been well looked after and all the essentials have been modernised (windows, heating, electricity). M and I have decided we're going to put an offer in... I was so excited last night, I could barely go to sleep! 
I'm really hoping we'll get this house, as this would also definitely give me something to focus on and keep me busy (and away from obsessing over TTC too much!).

Saturday, 21 August 2010


I can't believe how quickly time has gone by this year. I'm still in the habit of writing "2009" whenever I put a date down somewhere; and it feels like summer has only just started and now it's already coming to an end. Teddy will be 1 1/2 years old tomorrow (tomorrow afternoon to be exact!) - how did that happen? We've only just had his first birthday party!
Things that I always thought were quite some way away are now right at the doorstep - a wedding in September that I still haven't got an outfit for; the trip to see my family in October that I should probably start planning for now...
September will also be the month that most of my friends from my antenatal group will start trying for their second. Again, this fills me with dread (see post below) as I'd always imagined I'd be pregnant before them.
To be quite honest, I don't know what the rush is. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this, why I feel such pressure to become pregnant and especially to a certain timetable. Rationally, I know that there is absolutely no rush - there are even some advantages if it takes longer, as we still haven't found a bigger house yet, so getting that out of the way first might be better. Teddy is still young and even though I'd wanted a closer spacing, it certainly wouldn't do any harm to have a bigger gap. But emotionally, I just go crazy - it's like I'm hyperventilating inside every time I think about it.
I seriously think I have to relax a bit, or at least try to - even my body is showing signs of stress now. Two weeks ago I had a cold sore, which I only get either when I have a nasty cold (which I didn't) or when I'm under a serious amount of stress. Now I've developed eczema on my eyelids, which is also a condition that I normally only get under high pressure/ stress. M keeps telling me to "just relax and it will happen" anyways but quite honestly that just makes me cross most of the time!
But I do think I'll have to try and not let it get to me so much; the endless crying and worrying certainly doesn't help matters. I should focus on the positive things in my life and try to keep my mind off TTC related matters every once in a while...!

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Two Friends

Two encounters this week have given me something to think about.
On Monday, I met my friend A and her little daughter (14 months). We had a fun time at a playgym with the kids, and as we got talking it turned out that she and her husband are already TTC their second. Instantly, my panic button switched on. I can’t really explain this – I think it’s just the feeling that time’s running out for me, that I’m “too late”. Her daughter is 3 months younger than Teddy, so I feel I “should” be pregnant first. When I thought, “Oh, she might already be pregnant right now” that totally freaked me out and left me with this feeling of having to catch a train that’s three miles away and leaves in 5 minutes.
Yesterday, I met up with friend B who has a 2 ½ year old son. So of course at some point we came across the second baby question, so I replied that M wasn’t ready yet and so we’re not trying yet (I say this to everyone IRL – I don’t need the pressure of people asking me how the TTC’s going). So I asked her back – something I hadn’t done before although I’d often wondered. So she announced she was indeed pregnant now! 10 weeks along, so there will be an age gap of a little over 3 years between her children. This announcement had two different effects on me. Firstly, I was happy for her. I mean I was genuinely over the moon for her; which also was a great relief for me as I thought I’d lost the ability to feel happy for pregnant women (I mostly seem to feel bitterness and resentment these days). Secondly, it scared the s.h.i.t. out of me. It had taken them one and a half years to get pregnant this time – with their son it had happened on the second try. This just fuelled my paranoia and fears (Secondary Infertility!) and I felt almost sick thinking that it might take me one and a half years, if ever.
So, as a result of both conversations, I feel extremely sad – summer is turning into autumn, Teddy is getting older and I’m still not pregnant. I feel I’ve left it too late. I feel panicky and scared. I feel anger towards M for having put this off for so long. I feel we should have started as soon as Teddy turned one. My upcoming birthday obviously doesn’t help matters – just another thing to worry about, that the decline in my fertility is inevitable and statistically proven.
Gosh, another downer of a post. Honestly, I have now even more respect for the women who have been trying for a long time. They all seem to handle it so well and are nice and likeable, whereas I have turned into a hateful, moaning, obsessive b*tch already.

Saturday, 14 August 2010

Looking Ahead

Ok, so I've decided it's time to quit the moaning. Upset as I may be about having my period right now instead of being pregnant, complaining about it and moping won't get me anywhere. So I've decided to tackle my problems for real next cycle.
I think the main two things I'm dealing with are lack of cervical fluids, and short luteal phase. So here's my plan for this cycle: Vitex Agnus Castus up until ovulation, to regulate the cycle. Using pre-seed around O time (without M noticing it, this might be a challenge). Using progesterone cream after O to lengthen out the LP.
Well, I've also spoken to M about my fears of not being able to get pregnant again. His position is very clear: He doesn't believe in IVF and "all that stuff" and if people can't get pregnant naturally then "they're not meant to". I found this upsetting and infuriating on various levels as I completely disagree; not only for my own sake but also when I think about those women I have met online and who are struggling to get pregnant. How could you say they're not meant to be mothers? When they so very obviously are. I think most of those featured on "16 and Pregnant" aren't probably meant to be mothers, but they got pregnant nevertheless. The ability to become pregnant does not say anything of your deserving to be.
So following that line of thought M also doesn't want to use pre-seed, and thinks taking any sort of tablets is a waste of money. So I've decided to override him on the pre-seed, heh heh. Hopefully it's easily administerable so it won't "feel" too different. But seriously, I have next to no CM and I'm done with the completely natural approach. I just want to be pregnant already.
I do very much hope that it won't ever come to us needing IVF or anything more invasive, for that matter. Because I know M won't be up for it - he'll just say we've got one already and that we're only meant to have one child and he's happy enough with it.

To end on a less grim note, Teddy is so funny at the moment. He is getting to grips with the concept of people owning things; or things belonging to one person or another. So everything in our household is "Mummy", "Daddy" or "Teddy"; be it shoes, pillows or mobile phones. But sometimes something that's either Mummy's or Daddy's really takes his liking, and then it's quickly changed to "Teddy"! (I.e. TV remote, the driving seat in Daddy's car). It's also funny how he prefers M's car to mine; clearly it is a lot cooler being bigger and better equipped than my little shoe box. Whenever we go out he wants to go in Daddy's car!

Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Bad Things Come in 3s?

So I'm guessing that's one more to go for me.
This morning, right after I finished writing the post about Molly, AF reared her ugly head at only 9DPO, leaving me with an 8 day luteal phase. Needless to say I'm bummed, not only because I'm not pregnant (again), but also as with a LP of that length I won't get pregnant no matter what.
And just to moan some more, the hair treatment I used this morning must have gone off, as now my hair - rather than being lovely and moisturised - looks horrible and greasy, making me feel even more yucky than I already do. What a day.
I'm so upset at not being pregnant, and really worried about the luteal phase - would it look ridiculous to run to the Doctors about that, after only 2 cycles of trying? I guess it would, but part of me thinks there's no point in trying if there isn't even anywhere for a fertilised egg to go.
So if bad things do come in threes, I'm thrilled (not) to find out what the next blow will be.


It was such a shock when Molly died. It really was, even though I knew it was coming. Since I'd taken her to the vets on Monday, and they told me to prepare to the worst and she probably wouldn't make it to the next day.

But she did. She was improving. Stood up again, the walking looked better (although admittedly she'd still only walk a few yards and back). Thing is, I just held on to that small improvement, and put all other thoughts at the beck of my head, far far away so that I wouldn't have to deal with the possibility of having to put her to sleep.

She was fine up until Friday evening. In the space of a few seconds, something must have happened - but all of a sudden what little feeling she had left in her hind legs had gone. She crawled up to me in the bedroom, dragging herself along with her front legs only, paralysed from the waist downwards, panic in her face.
I'll never forget the fear and the pleading in her eyes. She was so scared. She didn't know what was going on. She was scared and in pain.
M took her to the emergency vets while I stayed at home with Teddy. Finally, his phone call came. Yes, they could give her an injection of painkillers, but didn't think that would do anything. They recommended relieving her of the pain, once and for all.
That's when I started to panic.
I didn't want this to happen. And surely not without me being there. So I packed a half asleep Teddy in the car and drove to the emergency vets. M was waiting outside for us. We went in to see Molly. She was a little calmer, but still yelping with pain and ever so scared. I talked to her, stroked her face, knowing that these would be our last moments together, in a strange cold room under neon light in the middle of the night.
Teddy said bye bye to her. Well actually he didn't as he didn't know it would be his goodbye. He stroked her and laughed and said "Mimi"; thinking this was just a strange night time adventure but here was Mimi, his dog.
The vet sent us out while she fitted the canule to put the syringe in. They tried both legs but the veins were too brittle, so they had to go for the jugular vein. If possible, this pained me even more, to see her so worried with the nurse holding her head down. She wasn't even in a comfortable position. I stroked her and talked to her while they did it, saying "Don't worry Molly, it'll be alright" while I knew it was NOT going to be alright. Then she was gone.
I cried so much and just didn't want to leave her. We were in the room with her for a long time, until I calmed down. They put her in a blanket and carried her back into her box in M's car. We paid for the privilege of them killing our dog. Then we drove home.
Teddy had been surprisingly un-grumpy through all of this and though he was still awake, didn't moan when we put him back in his bed. I didn't go to sleep for a long time.
The next morning, when I dragged myself out of bed after only a few hours as I had to go to work, Teddy was on our bed, as every morning, for our morning cuddle. He came up to the foot end, pointed down at Molly's empty box and asked "Mimi?". I told him she was no longer there and started crying. I know he is too little to fully comprehend this, but it still broke my heart to see this.
Now, almost a week on, it still feels so strange without her. I keep "seeing" or "hearing" her around the house before I remember that she's no longer here. I miss her so much.
I have always wanted her to live long enough for my children to grow up with her. Well, that came true. She was Teddy's first dog, and I like to think it influenced him for the better. He has always loved her, was fascinated by her - even as a very small baby his eyes would focus when she came near, and he would turn his head to look after her. As soon as he became mobile, he made her life living hell as he kept following her everywhere. I think from about the point when he started feeding her, the love became a bit more mutual. And just recently Teddy had learned to say her name, both "Molly" and "Mimi" which was her nickname.
I know that one day we'll have another dog but just now I can't imagine ever finding such a good dog as Mimi was, or ever loving a dog as much.

Saturday, 31 July 2010


It seems when you're TTC, you're always waiting for something. First you wait for AF to be over. The you wait to O, then you wait til you can test, then you wait for AF to come.
At the moment I'm not quite sure what I'm waiting for - I keep getting negative OPKs, but I think I might already have O'd... I guess my temps should confirm it in the next few days. But of course there's another nice thing for me to worry about, why don't I get a +OPK when I never had trouble detecting my LH surge before?
Other than that I think I'm mostly out of the depression dip. I think I must have just circled the abyss as I didn't really fall in this time. I'm still not overly keen to see people but the wanting to shut myself off from the world has slightly abated. Plus, I feel angry and bitter a lot of the time, which definitely indicates the depression is on its way out, as when I'm depressed I never feel anything much apart from the occasional bout of self-hatred. Now this anger and hate is definitely directed outwards (i.e. other, predominantly pregnant women). I don't really like myself much at the moment though as it shows what a weak character I am - why do I feel so spiteful towards everyone who's pregnant? Just because I'm not. And whilst I realise how sad and despicable this is I still feel this way.
On a positive sidenote, I think at least M is more on board now. I think he really wants a baby now too - even though he still keeps moaning about it - but he's certainly very enthusiastic when it comes to the babymaking process (I know, all men are!) and will even come up with names sometimes, or saying things like "when we have two" or "with the new baby, ...". That really cheers me up!

Thursday, 22 July 2010

Dear Diary

I feel like this is the only place I still have - the only place where i can put my thoughts down, whinge and moan as much as I like. I can't bear to visit The Forums at the moment. I just can't stand to see their pregnancy announcements, or their pregnancy troubles, or their pregnancy joys. Does this make me a mean person? Probably. Uhmmm - definitely. I have to say I was positively appaled to see someone's BFP this morning, so much so that I decided not to post there anymore and I felt something resembling hate towards that person. So, definitely a bad, mean person.
You see, that should have been me. That should have been my BFP, my due date. It took me, what, half a year of ups and downs to finally convince M that he wanted a baby as much as I do. And then we don't get pregnant. And then some silly cow just decides to go for it that month, and gets pregnant. Fair it ain't, but I guess that's life and I should just get on with it, but I can't. At least I'm safe in the knowledge that no one actually reads this blog so I can bitch as much as I like, and reveal my despicable personality, and nobody will ever know, muahaha.
Anyway, I'm really rather down at the moment which does worry me a little. I don't even want to go out and meet my real life friends, and I know I shouldn't feel that way. Thankfully these days I can tell the warning signs that precede a bout of depression, so I can pull myself out of it before I really slide in. I can tell it's coming now. I just don't have any energy, certainly not enough to actually talk to people. I noticed I find it hard to keep up the happy facade on the occasions I do have to go out.
I am so blessed though to have my monkey boy - he's the only thing that keeps me going at the moment.

Saturday, 17 July 2010


There is a first time for everything. This morning, for the first time ever AF arrived when I didn't want her to.
Even though I had this very strong feeling that I wasn't pregnant, actually being confronted with not being pregnant was a shock, and a disappointment. Even though I thought I'd prepared myself, the ugly truth still hit me in the face.
Needless to say I'm not in the best of moods today, very sad, very self-pitying; I feel like I don't want to see anyone and just want to curl up on the sofa and be miserable. M told me to "just snap out of it" this morning and made and annoyed face, which, quite honestly, doesn't help at all.
The only thing that can still put a smile on my face is my first - my only -my little boy. He got an extra big hug and cuddle this morning so I could smell his sleepy baby smell and feel his little body snuggled against mine and stroke his soft, silky skin. I think I'd go crazy without him (well, crazier than I already am, that's for sure!).

Friday, 16 July 2010

Hopes and Fears

So now, at 10DPO, I'm thinking al lot more about my two biggest fertility fears. They are - rather contradictory - twins and secondary infertility.
Twins, as my sister had twins, so I might have inherited the double-ovulation trait too. I know lots of people are keen on having twins and I probably wouldn't have minded before I had Teddy. But now, knowing what life with a newborn/infant/toddler is like, I don't know how/if I could cope with twins. Some days I can barely cope with one! So yes, I'm scared of getting pregnant with twins.
My other fear is what worries me more though. I know that this can just happen to anyone, even if you've had a baby and no trouble conceiving them. I know that my general paranoia probably magnifies this fear; just like I was convinced it would take me a year when we first started trying.
These are probably two very stupid fears. Maybe people with real problems would like to smack me round the head for having those fears. That doesn't make them any less real for me though.

I think I'm just generally in a bad place at the moment, the 2WW definitely takes its toll. It just brings up the worst in me - my pessimism, my anxiety, my obsessing over little things that could indicate this, that or the other. I've been extremely grumpy for almost a week now, M is already getting annoyed. The fact that I smacked off my wing mirror yesterday because I was moping in my own little world and not paying attention to traffic certainly didn't help! I'm so convinced I'm not pregnant, yet I can't stop hoping.

Wednesday, 7 July 2010


So, I've just noticed that while I still love to read everyone's blogs, and comment every now and again, this blog has been awfully neglected and empty. Time for a change!
There has been so much going on in the past few weeks (months!) that I could have written about; I guess I just forgot that I had this place.
Well, I guess the biggest news is that we're TTC now, after much to-ing and fro-ing on M's part. I am still uncertain if he really "means" it though; if he really wants another baby and doesn't just feel pressured into it (even though I haven't knowingly put any pressure on him). Just the other day he said he didn't know how he could cope with two babies, with interrupted nights again, never being able to do anything without the children etc. I honestly don't know how to respond to it when he's like that; because undoubtedly there will be interrupted life and going anywhere without the kids might be even more tricky with two than it is with one. And I know it will be hard, but I guess the love and happiness will always outweigh it for me. Whereas I think M just can't imagine it (yet).