Dear Diary

I feel like this is the only place I still have - the only place where i can put my thoughts down, whinge and moan as much as I like. I can't bear to visit The Forums at the moment. I just can't stand to see their pregnancy announcements, or their pregnancy troubles, or their pregnancy joys. Does this make me a mean person? Probably. Uhmmm - definitely. I have to say I was positively appaled to see someone's BFP this morning, so much so that I decided not to post there anymore and I felt something resembling hate towards that person. So, definitely a bad, mean person.
You see, that should have been me. That should have been my BFP, my due date. It took me, what, half a year of ups and downs to finally convince M that he wanted a baby as much as I do. And then we don't get pregnant. And then some silly cow just decides to go for it that month, and gets pregnant. Fair it ain't, but I guess that's life and I should just get on with it, but I can't. At least I'm safe in the knowledge that no one actually reads this blog so I can bitch as much as I like, and reveal my despicable personality, and nobody will ever know, muahaha.
Anyway, I'm really rather down at the moment which does worry me a little. I don't even want to go out and meet my real life friends, and I know I shouldn't feel that way. Thankfully these days I can tell the warning signs that precede a bout of depression, so I can pull myself out of it before I really slide in. I can tell it's coming now. I just don't have any energy, certainly not enough to actually talk to people. I noticed I find it hard to keep up the happy facade on the occasions I do have to go out.
I am so blessed though to have my monkey boy - he's the only thing that keeps me going at the moment.