The Bean

The bean is just adorable. And lovely, and cute. I absolutely love the bean with all my heart. He's just my teeny tiny bean!
-Of course, I'm talking about Teddy here. Ever since he first was created, he was "the bean" - even beforehand, I would bug M by saying "I want a bean!". He looked just like a little bean when we first saw him at an ultrasound, at 7 weeks. So the name stayed, although we also frequently use the word just to describe babies or children in general ("A family with four beans", "Oh, look at those cute bean clothes"). If a stranger ever looked at my shopping list, they would probably be thrown by the expression "bean yoghurt" which frequently appears on it.
So yes, when M and I are talking about "The Bean" these days we mean Teddy. Of course he has got lots of other related names too, like the Monkey Bean or the Beanitor (I believe that one is a merge between bean and terminator, a nod to the amount of destruction he can create in a short space of time).
So this makes it a bit weird when we're talking about the "new" bean! Normally, we refer to the new baby as "the second bean" or "bean #2" which somehow doesn't sound right and also makes it sound like it's something less (am I making sense here?). I guess Teddy is just so much "our baby" still that we find it hard to imagine that there will be another, "real" baby here soon. I know that this is probably a silly fear but sometimes I do think, could I ever love another baby as much as I love Teddy? It almost seems impossible. I also feel guilty for taking "me" away from him when the new baby is here; for depriving him of our full attention and love.
I know it's silly really. I have spoken to lots of other mums who all said that the love doesn't halve; it doubles, so you have the same amount as before, for each child. And I know Teddy will benefit from having a sibling to play with and grow up with. But sometimes I can't help thinking of how I won't ever be able to do this or that with him again, or share those quiet moments. Maybe I am just scared of the change that will happen in my life?

So much going on

Wow, so much has happened in the last few weeks. And it hasn't all been great...
First, I started spotting. I had this with my last pregnancy so I wasn't all that worried, but I still went to the Dr just to get an ultrasound. The u/s showed that baby was fine and had a strong heartbeat, but they also found a small haematoma which would have caused the bleeding. Because of this, I'm still classed "threatened miscarriage" and they gave me all the leaflets for this. That actually threw me a bit -when I had the early scan with Teddy, they just said everything looked fine and that was that. Now I still worry a bit that something might happen. On the other hand though, baby measured big for dates (almost a week ahead) which I guess is a good thing - it shows that baby is developing nicely and not lagging behind. It was very weird to see baby on the ultrasound. It made me realise that actually there is a baby in there. That I will (hopefully) have another baby soon. It still feels a bit odd and unreal!
Later that day, things got even worse. My father-in-law had been admitted to hospital a week previously due to heart complaints and fluid retention; and they couldn't diagnose what was going on. That day, he was transferred to another hospital and given the diagnosis of Amyloidosis; and eight hours to live. M got into his car and drove straight to the hospital when his mum phoned him with these news; but when he arrived his dad had already passed away. We were all beyond shocked, it happened so quickly and unexpectedly. M is absolutely distraught, who can blame him, and I'm very upset too. I loved my FIL - he was a great man, very warm and funny and we just got along really well. He was a great Grandad for Teddy; they shared their enthusiasm for tractors and would often go out for a tractor ride when we were visiting. Teddy adored him; when we got there he would shout "Dahn-dad!" and run straight past his grandmother to see him.
In a way I'm happy that Teddy doesn't really understand this yet, as it saves him the pain; but I'm also sad that he will be growing up without his Grandad and probably won't have many memories of him.
we cancelled our planned trip to see my family and stayed the weekend with my mother-in-law. It was very difficult, for obvious reasons, but also very nice that so many people came along and all the family came to help and support each other.
Because we're now not away this week, I will be able to take part in our "girls' night out" on Saturday which I'm really looking forward to. It will be a change from the sadness that surrounds us so much at the moment; and we only ever go out about 2 or 3 times a year. I think I might also "tell" the girls on Saturday - it seems a good opportunity - although part of me is still paranoid about telling too soon and I might go for my 12 week scan in two weeks and find that something has happened. I guess I 'll have to see how I feel that day!