Two Friends

Two encounters this week have given me something to think about.

On Monday, I met my friend A and her little daughter (14 months). We had a fun time at a playgym with the kids, and as we got talking it turned out that she and her husband are already TTC their second. Instantly, my panic button switched on. I can’t really explain this – I think it’s just the feeling that time’s running out for me, that I’m “too late”. Her daughter is 3 months younger than Teddy, so I feel I “should” be pregnant first. When I thought, “Oh, she might already be pregnant right now” that totally freaked me out and left me with this feeling of having to catch a train that’s three miles away and leaves in 5 minutes.

Yesterday, I met up with friend B who has a 2 ½ year old son. So of course at some point we came across the second baby question, so I replied that M wasn’t ready yet and so we’re not trying yet (I say this to everyone IRL – I don’t need the pressure of people asking me how the TTC’s going). So I asked her back – something I hadn’t done before although I’d often wondered. So she announced she was indeed pregnant now! 10 weeks along, so there will be an age gap of a little over 3 years between her children. This announcement had two different effects on me. Firstly, I was happy for her. I mean I was genuinely over the moon for her; which also was a great relief for me as I thought I’d lost the ability to feel happy for pregnant women (I mostly seem to feel bitterness and resentment these days). Secondly, it scared the s.h.i.t. out of me. It had taken them one and a half years to get pregnant this time – with their son it had happened on the second try. This just fuelled my paranoia and fears (Secondary Infertility!) and I felt almost sick thinking that it might take me one and a half years, if ever.

So, as a result of both conversations, I feel extremely sad – summer is turning into autumn, Teddy is getting older and I’m still not pregnant. I feel I’ve left it too late. I feel panicky and scared. I feel anger towards M for having put this off for so long. I feel we should have started as soon as Teddy turned one. My upcoming birthday obviously doesn’t help matters – just another thing to worry about, that the decline in my fertility is inevitable and statistically proven.

Gosh, another downer of a post. Honestly, I have now even more respect for the women who have been trying for a long time. They all seem to handle it so well and are nice and likeable, whereas I have turned into a hateful, moaning, obsessive b*tch already.