Saturday, 31 July 2010


It seems when you're TTC, you're always waiting for something. First you wait for AF to be over. The you wait to O, then you wait til you can test, then you wait for AF to come.
At the moment I'm not quite sure what I'm waiting for - I keep getting negative OPKs, but I think I might already have O'd... I guess my temps should confirm it in the next few days. But of course there's another nice thing for me to worry about, why don't I get a +OPK when I never had trouble detecting my LH surge before?
Other than that I think I'm mostly out of the depression dip. I think I must have just circled the abyss as I didn't really fall in this time. I'm still not overly keen to see people but the wanting to shut myself off from the world has slightly abated. Plus, I feel angry and bitter a lot of the time, which definitely indicates the depression is on its way out, as when I'm depressed I never feel anything much apart from the occasional bout of self-hatred. Now this anger and hate is definitely directed outwards (i.e. other, predominantly pregnant women). I don't really like myself much at the moment though as it shows what a weak character I am - why do I feel so spiteful towards everyone who's pregnant? Just because I'm not. And whilst I realise how sad and despicable this is I still feel this way.
On a positive sidenote, I think at least M is more on board now. I think he really wants a baby now too - even though he still keeps moaning about it - but he's certainly very enthusiastic when it comes to the babymaking process (I know, all men are!) and will even come up with names sometimes, or saying things like "when we have two" or "with the new baby, ...". That really cheers me up!

Thursday, 22 July 2010

Dear Diary

I feel like this is the only place I still have - the only place where i can put my thoughts down, whinge and moan as much as I like. I can't bear to visit The Forums at the moment. I just can't stand to see their pregnancy announcements, or their pregnancy troubles, or their pregnancy joys. Does this make me a mean person? Probably. Uhmmm - definitely. I have to say I was positively appaled to see someone's BFP this morning, so much so that I decided not to post there anymore and I felt something resembling hate towards that person. So, definitely a bad, mean person.
You see, that should have been me. That should have been my BFP, my due date. It took me, what, half a year of ups and downs to finally convince M that he wanted a baby as much as I do. And then we don't get pregnant. And then some silly cow just decides to go for it that month, and gets pregnant. Fair it ain't, but I guess that's life and I should just get on with it, but I can't. At least I'm safe in the knowledge that no one actually reads this blog so I can bitch as much as I like, and reveal my despicable personality, and nobody will ever know, muahaha.
Anyway, I'm really rather down at the moment which does worry me a little. I don't even want to go out and meet my real life friends, and I know I shouldn't feel that way. Thankfully these days I can tell the warning signs that precede a bout of depression, so I can pull myself out of it before I really slide in. I can tell it's coming now. I just don't have any energy, certainly not enough to actually talk to people. I noticed I find it hard to keep up the happy facade on the occasions I do have to go out.
I am so blessed though to have my monkey boy - he's the only thing that keeps me going at the moment.

Saturday, 17 July 2010


There is a first time for everything. This morning, for the first time ever AF arrived when I didn't want her to.
Even though I had this very strong feeling that I wasn't pregnant, actually being confronted with not being pregnant was a shock, and a disappointment. Even though I thought I'd prepared myself, the ugly truth still hit me in the face.
Needless to say I'm not in the best of moods today, very sad, very self-pitying; I feel like I don't want to see anyone and just want to curl up on the sofa and be miserable. M told me to "just snap out of it" this morning and made and annoyed face, which, quite honestly, doesn't help at all.
The only thing that can still put a smile on my face is my first - my only -my little boy. He got an extra big hug and cuddle this morning so I could smell his sleepy baby smell and feel his little body snuggled against mine and stroke his soft, silky skin. I think I'd go crazy without him (well, crazier than I already am, that's for sure!).

Friday, 16 July 2010

Hopes and Fears

So now, at 10DPO, I'm thinking al lot more about my two biggest fertility fears. They are - rather contradictory - twins and secondary infertility.
Twins, as my sister had twins, so I might have inherited the double-ovulation trait too. I know lots of people are keen on having twins and I probably wouldn't have minded before I had Teddy. But now, knowing what life with a newborn/infant/toddler is like, I don't know how/if I could cope with twins. Some days I can barely cope with one! So yes, I'm scared of getting pregnant with twins.
My other fear is what worries me more though. I know that this can just happen to anyone, even if you've had a baby and no trouble conceiving them. I know that my general paranoia probably magnifies this fear; just like I was convinced it would take me a year when we first started trying.
These are probably two very stupid fears. Maybe people with real problems would like to smack me round the head for having those fears. That doesn't make them any less real for me though.

I think I'm just generally in a bad place at the moment, the 2WW definitely takes its toll. It just brings up the worst in me - my pessimism, my anxiety, my obsessing over little things that could indicate this, that or the other. I've been extremely grumpy for almost a week now, M is already getting annoyed. The fact that I smacked off my wing mirror yesterday because I was moping in my own little world and not paying attention to traffic certainly didn't help! I'm so convinced I'm not pregnant, yet I can't stop hoping.

Wednesday, 7 July 2010


So, I've just noticed that while I still love to read everyone's blogs, and comment every now and again, this blog has been awfully neglected and empty. Time for a change!
There has been so much going on in the past few weeks (months!) that I could have written about; I guess I just forgot that I had this place.
Well, I guess the biggest news is that we're TTC now, after much to-ing and fro-ing on M's part. I am still uncertain if he really "means" it though; if he really wants another baby and doesn't just feel pressured into it (even though I haven't knowingly put any pressure on him). Just the other day he said he didn't know how he could cope with two babies, with interrupted nights again, never being able to do anything without the children etc. I honestly don't know how to respond to it when he's like that; because undoubtedly there will be interrupted life and going anywhere without the kids might be even more tricky with two than it is with one. And I know it will be hard, but I guess the love and happiness will always outweigh it for me. Whereas I think M just can't imagine it (yet).