Bad News

Remember when I talked about how bad things come in threes, and I didn't want to know what the next thing was going to be?
My dad fell ill. Like, really ill. He was taken to hospital with what everyone thought was a bad stomach bug, and it turned out to be pancreatitis - something I didn't even know could be lethal. Unfortunately it is. Basically it means the pancreas is starting to digest itself and it can also attack other organs. As the cause is unknown (sometimes it can be caused by gall stones, where they can then just remove the gall bladder) there is nothing the doctors can do for my dad apart from keeping him hydrated, giving him antibiotics to prevent other infections, giving him plenty of painkillers (he's now got an epidural) and keeping him monitored. They have talked about putting him in an artificial coma, which scares the hell out of me. He has already got difficulties breathing but doesn't like to wear the oxygen mask.
What scares me even more is that he is already planning his funeral and trying to sort out what to do with his belongings.
It all happened so quickly that I feel it hasn't really registered with me yet. I don't WANT to think about my dad dying. It just can't be. Hearing my stoical, unemotional brother cry on the phone because he thinks my dad's not going to make it just seems unreal.
So now I'm trying to sort out my flights to come up and see him. Part of me doesn't want to. Part of me keeps thinking of stupid excuses why this really is the most inconvenient time to fly up. I think I don't want to see him because then it becomes real. At the moment I can still think of it as this abstract weird thing that happened; but then it will be my dad dying in front of my eyes, plugged into all sorts of machines, barely able to breathe or talk. And I just don't want to face it.
Of course I will do it though and I will get my flights booked tonight. I'm going to have to take Teddy with me as M has got to work - he's just had that week in Paris and even though he worked then, his regular customers will probably need him now after a week of absence here. Teddy's not been on a plane before and it probably won't be much fun for him; all he wants to do is run around and it will be hard to restrain him on the plane and at the airport. But thankfully it's only a short flight. I don't even know if he will be allowed to see my dad - do they allow children in the intensive care unit? I hope that Teddy can see him at least briefly.

This is a nightmare. I have never lost anyone before; not anyone close anyway. I really don't know how to handle this. While I still hope that things might turn around and he'll pull though (he has a fifty-fifty chance) I can't stop thinking that my Daddy might die.