Timing

Ah well, it looks like I can't go a whole week without worrying!
So this is where I am: CD 15 and waiting to O. I had another negative OPK this morning, so I guess the earliest I could O will be Saturday. In my previous cycles, I used to O between day 14 and 16; last cycle it was day 17. Which I guess is all quite acceptable. I just never thought it would be any later than that. The reason why I'm worrying is that M will be away in Paris from Monday onwards, so if I haven't O'd by Sunday this cycle is somewhat wasted.
I don't really want to think about it too much as I fear that the more I stress, the later O will come; but every negative OPK reminds me of this deadline I have to meet - ugh! Double Ugh really, as I shouldn't really be thinking this way (deadlines, needing to "perform" etc). I hate that this all has become so clinical, such a military procedure. Yet I could never go back to "just relaxing and seeing what happens" as that would drive me even more insane. I just really really hope that I won't O too late this cycle. I'm somewhat hoping for Saturday - as this is also my birthday, I thought it would be somewhat symbolic and oddly romantic if I were to conceive that day, know what I mean?
As for means to distract myself, I have been trying positive visualisation (thanks, Ash!) and have also though (but not done yet) of getting my crochet kit out again. I only started to crochet a few years back - I taught myself using an internet tutorial; not that it's too difficult but I was / am really proud of myself as I'm not a very handy person and several attempts to learn how to knit ended unsuccessfully! I really only do amigurumis, but M gave me a few baby crochet books that I haven't really looked at yet so I might try something like a hat for Teddy. For me, crocheting is a very relaxing activity, and really wipes my mind blank which is quite nice every now and again! I don't know why I haven't done it in such a long time.
In other news, as Teddy is now 1 1/2 years old I took him to get weighed again, and he is now an ounce short of 29lbs (he was 25lbs at 12 months), so he has gained 4lbs in half a year and back on the 91st centile! I haven't measured his height in a while but I reckon he is about 86/87cm / 34 inches, which is about 91st centile too. I don't think he'll ever go back up to the 99th centile, but I think that he's now finally growing normally again thanks to his new found love of food, and that's all I wanted.

Good Things!

So, as promised. I'm trying to focus more on the good things in life now. So, here goes!
-Teddy has been eating well for a few weeks now. I don't yet know if it is just a phase, or if it has finally clicked - touch wood! - but for the first time ever, he is showing interest in food. He even half opens his mouth on the few occasions that I still spoon-feed him. Still not a gaping wide mouth, but it's better than trying to squeeze a spoon through lips that are sealed shut, I can tell you! This week, he has also started asking for food which again he never used to. Maybe it helps that he now has words for food (either "nom nom" or "yum yum"); but he also shows me by leading me into the kitchen and then having me open the fridge, and he takes out what his heart desires (mostly it's blueberries!). He's also taking food off my or M's plate when we eat, again a complete novelty for us! While I know that all these things are perfectly normal and most children probably display them at a year younger already, fo us this is a major breakthrough. It seems Teddy has finally realised that food isn't a bad thing but something you can enjoy! He also only threw up twice this last week (which is a welcome change from the 4-5 times a week he used to puke) which shows me that this mental block he seems to have had is finally starting to crumble.
- We looked at a house yesterday... and we both liked it! It is in a reasonably good area in a village, has a good sized garden and spacious rooms downstairs. The only thing that worried me a bit is that the bedrooms weren't very big. But then I figure it's better to have smaller bedrooms and the rest is ok, rather than going for a bigger house in a not so good area! You can't have everything, right? The decor is also a bit off - an elderly lady lives there so it's very much granny style! But that's easily fixed and I wouldn't mind a few weeks of redecorating. the rest is all in very good condition, the house has obviously been well looked after and all the essentials have been modernised (windows, heating, electricity). M and I have decided we're going to put an offer in... I was so excited last night, I could barely go to sleep! 
I'm really hoping we'll get this house, as this would also definitely give me something to focus on and keep me busy (and away from obsessing over TTC too much!).

Time

I can't believe how quickly time has gone by this year. I'm still in the habit of writing "2009" whenever I put a date down somewhere; and it feels like summer has only just started and now it's already coming to an end. Teddy will be 1 1/2 years old tomorrow (tomorrow afternoon to be exact!) - how did that happen? We've only just had his first birthday party!
Things that I always thought were quite some way away are now right at the doorstep - a wedding in September that I still haven't got an outfit for; the trip to see my family in October that I should probably start planning for now...
September will also be the month that most of my friends from my antenatal group will start trying for their second. Again, this fills me with dread (see post below) as I'd always imagined I'd be pregnant before them.
To be quite honest, I don't know what the rush is. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this, why I feel such pressure to become pregnant and especially to a certain timetable. Rationally, I know that there is absolutely no rush - there are even some advantages if it takes longer, as we still haven't found a bigger house yet, so getting that out of the way first might be better. Teddy is still young and even though I'd wanted a closer spacing, it certainly wouldn't do any harm to have a bigger gap. But emotionally, I just go crazy - it's like I'm hyperventilating inside every time I think about it.
I seriously think I have to relax a bit, or at least try to - even my body is showing signs of stress now. Two weeks ago I had a cold sore, which I only get either when I have a nasty cold (which I didn't) or when I'm under a serious amount of stress. Now I've developed eczema on my eyelids, which is also a condition that I normally only get under high pressure/ stress. M keeps telling me to "just relax and it will happen" anyways but quite honestly that just makes me cross most of the time!
But I do think I'll have to try and not let it get to me so much; the endless crying and worrying certainly doesn't help matters. I should focus on the positive things in my life and try to keep my mind off TTC related matters every once in a while...!

Two Friends

Two encounters this week have given me something to think about.

On Monday, I met my friend A and her little daughter (14 months). We had a fun time at a playgym with the kids, and as we got talking it turned out that she and her husband are already TTC their second. Instantly, my panic button switched on. I can’t really explain this – I think it’s just the feeling that time’s running out for me, that I’m “too late”. Her daughter is 3 months younger than Teddy, so I feel I “should” be pregnant first. When I thought, “Oh, she might already be pregnant right now” that totally freaked me out and left me with this feeling of having to catch a train that’s three miles away and leaves in 5 minutes.

Yesterday, I met up with friend B who has a 2 ½ year old son. So of course at some point we came across the second baby question, so I replied that M wasn’t ready yet and so we’re not trying yet (I say this to everyone IRL – I don’t need the pressure of people asking me how the TTC’s going). So I asked her back – something I hadn’t done before although I’d often wondered. So she announced she was indeed pregnant now! 10 weeks along, so there will be an age gap of a little over 3 years between her children. This announcement had two different effects on me. Firstly, I was happy for her. I mean I was genuinely over the moon for her; which also was a great relief for me as I thought I’d lost the ability to feel happy for pregnant women (I mostly seem to feel bitterness and resentment these days). Secondly, it scared the s.h.i.t. out of me. It had taken them one and a half years to get pregnant this time – with their son it had happened on the second try. This just fuelled my paranoia and fears (Secondary Infertility!) and I felt almost sick thinking that it might take me one and a half years, if ever.

So, as a result of both conversations, I feel extremely sad – summer is turning into autumn, Teddy is getting older and I’m still not pregnant. I feel I’ve left it too late. I feel panicky and scared. I feel anger towards M for having put this off for so long. I feel we should have started as soon as Teddy turned one. My upcoming birthday obviously doesn’t help matters – just another thing to worry about, that the decline in my fertility is inevitable and statistically proven.

Gosh, another downer of a post. Honestly, I have now even more respect for the women who have been trying for a long time. They all seem to handle it so well and are nice and likeable, whereas I have turned into a hateful, moaning, obsessive b*tch already.

Looking Ahead

Ok, so I've decided it's time to quit the moaning. Upset as I may be about having my period right now instead of being pregnant, complaining about it and moping won't get me anywhere. So I've decided to tackle my problems for real next cycle.
I think the main two things I'm dealing with are lack of cervical fluids, and short luteal phase. So here's my plan for this cycle: Vitex Agnus Castus up until ovulation, to regulate the cycle. Using pre-seed around O time (without M noticing it, this might be a challenge). Using progesterone cream after O to lengthen out the LP.
Well, I've also spoken to M about my fears of not being able to get pregnant again. His position is very clear: He doesn't believe in IVF and "all that stuff" and if people can't get pregnant naturally then "they're not meant to". I found this upsetting and infuriating on various levels as I completely disagree; not only for my own sake but also when I think about those women I have met online and who are struggling to get pregnant. How could you say they're not meant to be mothers? When they so very obviously are. I think most of those featured on "16 and Pregnant" aren't probably meant to be mothers, but they got pregnant nevertheless. The ability to become pregnant does not say anything of your deserving to be.
So following that line of thought M also doesn't want to use pre-seed, and thinks taking any sort of tablets is a waste of money. So I've decided to override him on the pre-seed, heh heh. Hopefully it's easily administerable so it won't "feel" too different. But seriously, I have next to no CM and I'm done with the completely natural approach. I just want to be pregnant already.
I do very much hope that it won't ever come to us needing IVF or anything more invasive, for that matter. Because I know M won't be up for it - he'll just say we've got one already and that we're only meant to have one child and he's happy enough with it.

To end on a less grim note, Teddy is so funny at the moment. He is getting to grips with the concept of people owning things; or things belonging to one person or another. So everything in our household is "Mummy", "Daddy" or "Teddy"; be it shoes, pillows or mobile phones. But sometimes something that's either Mummy's or Daddy's really takes his liking, and then it's quickly changed to "Teddy"! (I.e. TV remote, the driving seat in Daddy's car). It's also funny how he prefers M's car to mine; clearly it is a lot cooler being bigger and better equipped than my little shoe box. Whenever we go out he wants to go in Daddy's car!

Bad Things Come in 3s?

So I'm guessing that's one more to go for me.
This morning, right after I finished writing the post about Molly, AF reared her ugly head at only 9DPO, leaving me with an 8 day luteal phase. Needless to say I'm bummed, not only because I'm not pregnant (again), but also as with a LP of that length I won't get pregnant no matter what.
And just to moan some more, the hair treatment I used this morning must have gone off, as now my hair - rather than being lovely and moisturised - looks horrible and greasy, making me feel even more yucky than I already do. What a day.
I'm so upset at not being pregnant, and really worried about the luteal phase - would it look ridiculous to run to the Doctors about that, after only 2 cycles of trying? I guess it would, but part of me thinks there's no point in trying if there isn't even anywhere for a fertilised egg to go.
So if bad things do come in threes, I'm thrilled (not) to find out what the next blow will be.

Molly

It was such a shock when Molly died. It really was, even though I knew it was coming. Since I'd taken her to the vets on Monday, and they told me to prepare to the worst and she probably wouldn't make it to the next day.

But she did. She was improving. Stood up again, the walking looked better (although admittedly she'd still only walk a few yards and back). Thing is, I just held on to that small improvement, and put all other thoughts at the beck of my head, far far away so that I wouldn't have to deal with the possibility of having to put her to sleep.

She was fine up until Friday evening. In the space of a few seconds, something must have happened - but all of a sudden what little feeling she had left in her hind legs had gone. She crawled up to me in the bedroom, dragging herself along with her front legs only, paralysed from the waist downwards, panic in her face.
I'll never forget the fear and the pleading in her eyes. She was so scared. She didn't know what was going on. She was scared and in pain.
M took her to the emergency vets while I stayed at home with Teddy. Finally, his phone call came. Yes, they could give her an injection of painkillers, but didn't think that would do anything. They recommended relieving her of the pain, once and for all.
That's when I started to panic.
I didn't want this to happen. And surely not without me being there. So I packed a half asleep Teddy in the car and drove to the emergency vets. M was waiting outside for us. We went in to see Molly. She was a little calmer, but still yelping with pain and ever so scared. I talked to her, stroked her face, knowing that these would be our last moments together, in a strange cold room under neon light in the middle of the night.
Teddy said bye bye to her. Well actually he didn't as he didn't know it would be his goodbye. He stroked her and laughed and said "Mimi"; thinking this was just a strange night time adventure but here was Mimi, his dog.
The vet sent us out while she fitted the canule to put the syringe in. They tried both legs but the veins were too brittle, so they had to go for the jugular vein. If possible, this pained me even more, to see her so worried with the nurse holding her head down. She wasn't even in a comfortable position. I stroked her and talked to her while they did it, saying "Don't worry Molly, it'll be alright" while I knew it was NOT going to be alright. Then she was gone.
I cried so much and just didn't want to leave her. We were in the room with her for a long time, until I calmed down. They put her in a blanket and carried her back into her box in M's car. We paid for the privilege of them killing our dog. Then we drove home.
Teddy had been surprisingly un-grumpy through all of this and though he was still awake, didn't moan when we put him back in his bed. I didn't go to sleep for a long time.
The next morning, when I dragged myself out of bed after only a few hours as I had to go to work, Teddy was on our bed, as every morning, for our morning cuddle. He came up to the foot end, pointed down at Molly's empty box and asked "Mimi?". I told him she was no longer there and started crying. I know he is too little to fully comprehend this, but it still broke my heart to see this.
Now, almost a week on, it still feels so strange without her. I keep "seeing" or "hearing" her around the house before I remember that she's no longer here. I miss her so much.
I have always wanted her to live long enough for my children to grow up with her. Well, that came true. She was Teddy's first dog, and I like to think it influenced him for the better. He has always loved her, was fascinated by her - even as a very small baby his eyes would focus when she came near, and he would turn his head to look after her. As soon as he became mobile, he made her life living hell as he kept following her everywhere. I think from about the point when he started feeding her, the love became a bit more mutual. And just recently Teddy had learned to say her name, both "Molly" and "Mimi" which was her nickname.
I know that one day we'll have another dog but just now I can't imagine ever finding such a good dog as Mimi was, or ever loving a dog as much.