Saturday, 30 April 2011

Almost May

Just noticed that I last blogged over a month ago. I'm really quite the negligent blogger, aren't I?
So what's new?
Well, today would have been my FIL's 62nd birthday. It's very hard for M - not surprisingly - I guess this whole first year will be the hardest, as you hit all the firsts. The first Christmas without him, the first New Years, the first birthday that he will no longer get a year older on. And, eventually, the first anniversary of the day he died. It is a tough time but I know it will get better. It is so lovely to see that Teddy still remembers his Grandad; although I know that in time his memory will fade - after all, he was only 1 1/2 years old when my FIL died.
Baby Boy will have my FIL's first name as his third name (I guess that's not really a secret so I can write about it here). I know M really wanted it to be his first name, but apart from the fact that I don't overly like the name; I'm also against the concept of naming babies after people (fathers, grandparents etc). I think each child has a right to their own, unique name; one that is not burdened with expectations or will lead to them being a "XX Junior" or "Little XX" all their lives. Anyway, I think having his name as baby's third name still honours his memory and has his name live on. I think this was particularly important for M as we never got to tell his dad I was pregnant; and M struggled with that for a long time after his father's death. I do believe that my FIL knows about this baby, wherever he is now; but I guess that's a matter of belief and different for everyone.
So my MIL has mentioned previously that she would really like this baby to be born today. Yeah, of course she would... apart from the fact that it's not going to happen, it still made me a bit cross as a) I'm not even full term today - why would you wish for a premature birth? and b) it's the same thing as naming-after-someone - I don't want him to be burdened with any expectations, or have his special day marred by people constantly referring to his dead grandfather and being sad on the day.
Anyway, I don't want to be too harsh on my MIL - she has gotten a lot better recently; although I'm still apprehensive about when I go into labour / the time postpartum.
The plan is that MIL will look after Teddy when we go into hospital. So far, so good. I used to be worried that she would have one of her funny moods and fall out with us just then and Teddy wouldn't have anywhere to go to; but as I mentioned she has become a lot more evenly tempered recently (and I did ask some friends of mine to be our back-up!). Now I'm more worried about when we get back home - her "help" last time did nothing but aggravate me, and left me wishing she would go already... It's a tough one, because I know I will need help. But I also know that my MIL won't be able to give me the help I need; and I don't want to have to deal with her on top of everything else that will be going on. Some of my mummy friends have already said they'd be happy to help out with Teddy, or just generally, so maybe it will all work out fine. I do wish though I could get my mother or my sister over. It's not possible as we don't have anywhere for them to stay, but it would be such a relief... oh well, you can't have everything.
And some good news, I've got nearly everything ready for baby's arrival! Last weekend I washed all the covers for the moses basket, car seat, carrycot, bouncy chair and playgym, and reassembled everything so it's all ready and waiting now. I wrote my birth plan and bought some little bits I need for my hospital bag (travel sized toiletries). I've yet to pack the bag though... anyway, it made me feel really organised and prepared and even though I know it will be a good few weeks yet, it does relax me a lot to have things ready.
As a positive side effect (and I hadn't thought about that before)  it also makes if much more real for Teddy. He knows that the moses basket in our bedroom is the baby's bed, and the bouncy chair is the baby's seat, etc. He is very fascinated by them (especially by the "vibrate" button on the bouncy chair!) and does sometimes ask could he go in. But he knows now that he is too big, and puts his favourite toy Doggy in  instead :-)
I'm getting more and more excited about meeting baby boy now. Reading the Hypnobirthing book, and listening to the CD, certainly helps; and I feel a lot more confident and assertive this time seeing as I've already been through it and have learned from my mistakes, as it were. My next consultant appointment will be interesting - I will try and convince them that they have in fact got my due date wrong and that I'm willing to go for however long it takes baby to be ready. I'm sure they won't like this, but tough!

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